URGENT

I have one bizarre news to post today.. Eeriness was all over the sky all day today since the morning, when a huge orange butterfly flew into my balcony. Not many bugs can make me feel so odd and curious over their visits to my bubble – this butterfly was definitely a creepy one, not like the usual scary ones (I hate bugs and I will never be able to accept and love them unless maybe if I get trained to do so, at a temple spiritually). I tried to look up some meanings for butterflies but I got sick of going through silly superstitions on Google so I gave up and headed for work. Again, my walk to work was unusual and perplexing; a man ahead of his time, formally dressed up 6 or 7 months early for St. Patrick’s day walked up to me from nowhere and complimented my nail polish, then walked off to wherever he was heading that required him to wear such ridonkulous outfit. Then I saw a whole crowd, yet again ahead of their time, dressed up a few months early for Halloween, in Hogwarts uniform with the craziest make up. Note: this was all encountered at around 8 AM… (is this post not weird enough yet?) These surprises did not end by morning. They only got worse – later in the afternoon on my way back to work from my lunch break, I witnessed policemen and two other men shooting at each other, and a few collapsing like birds flying into a glass wall.

CBS2 Chicago, Chicago Breaking News, Chicago Now
This happened on State st. and Randolph st. by the Chicago Theater, right across from the SAIC Dormitory, Jamba Juice and ABC News station – literally right across the street from where I was standing with my Potbelly’s sandwich. One of the two men carrying a nice, leather briefcase fell on the ground, but I remember he was still conscious; while the other fell motionlessly and fortunately without a bloody show. Either of the two, (none of the articles specify which) was carrying a knife around the Chicago Theater, attempting to mug people in the city in daylight. I remember hearing the police yelling to drop the weapon.. It got scarier when I realized, weapons can kill! I couldn’t move; soon my ears exploded over seven or eight gun shots as the police ran around all over State street. Police then tried to get a hold of this crazy person and his knife, but the policeman almost got slashed just when another policeman shot several gunshots towards this crazy razz matazz. One of the bullets hit the policeman who was holding the crazy. This policeman fell on the ground for a while but got back up because fortunately and miraculously, he happened to be wearing his bulletproof vest! As I watched this, I looked at the book I was holding – The Devil in the White City (history on Chicago’s architectural development for the World Columbian Exposition in 1892, and its many hidden stories to all the crimes that took place during the event.. mainly about H.H. Holmes’ razz matazz). Then I contemplated on how extraordinary this Thursday was. The happy, eventful downtown Chicago was now, almost as thrilling as the 1890s.. On this one insanely extraordinary Thursday afternoon, my respect for policemen went from 2 to possibly 9 out of 10, and I gained a reality check that living in downtown Chicago is just like living blind of common sense, because we never know what goes down what goes where and what in the hell to expect!… Of course, when one doesn’t know what to expect, he secures himself and, his bike. But just a simple mistake as forgetting to lock a bicycle on its wheel together with its tube can lead to his garage left with only two wheels and entire tube stolen and astray. My best friend Cecca (whom I’ve mentioned a couple of times on this blog!) just got her bike stolen while the policemen were shooting around on State st., because she had only locked her wheels around the pole, and without the tube. I really need to find a way to somehow cheer her up even though I can never transform into a bicycle for a day. She was so upset when she called, I almost cried just listening to her! I am known for having emotions like a baby, when I hear someone cry, I start crying. And clearly this does not help, it confuses the situation instead. “Why are you crying?!”

 

Transformed into a Bookworm Overnight

I have no idea what exactly had happened to me the past week. I blogged at least once every night and spent the rest of the days reading and taking notes. I suddenly got so hooked on books that weren’t even sci-fi nor suspense. They were all psychology, non-fiction books and I sailed through all of them, when in usual cases, 3 full pages of a book are enough to get me to start counting down the pages until the chapter is over. Something must have gotten to me but whatever it is, I’m glad it did! Even as I speak, I am currently reading a stack of books that I never thought I’d pick. Oh thank God for the intelligence sparks this week. This could be a great boost to gaining a little more confidence against my stage fright…. I get the familiar stuttering, trembling, flushing.. the typical panic attack stage fright symptoms. I breathe like I am wearing microphones attached to my nose and mouth, and connected earphones stuck to my ears when I do just any kind of presentations. This could be among 5 audiences, or 100 – it really does not matter. As long as the event is labeled as ‘presentation’ or the concept of an event is that I am the one with facing more attention than the rest, I die a little by little, and not to mention painfully. I need to get over this and I am desperate to find out how!
This is honestly an embarrassing bit of story but everyday, I’ve been reading aloud to my teddy bears.. I highly doubt this is going to help me at all because at a real presentation, my bears will still be sitting on my bed while I will be facing a crowd watching me tremble without my bears. Even if those people aren’t paying any attention, I will still be just as helpless to possibly running away. I am standing in front of the audience! Just by imagining this situation, I feel thankful that it is not truly happening and that is just a cruel visual in my head. I am so relieved by the fact that I am just sitting at my desk typing out my Spoonful and reading my emails. This kind of relief make life feel really good in the simplest way I love it, but for sure it bites me later. I need to get over stage fright…….
I haven’t slept since 5PM yesterday. But yesterday, I slept the entire day until 5PM. My sleep pattern is a disaster and it is being the biggest butt in the face right now. I am trying my hardest to keep myself awake and not to waste my last full week of summer break. But my eyes just keep pulling me over to the Temptation Islands of sleep and R.E.M.

PS. Lastly, my obsessive compulsiveness is least likely to cease anytime soon. But seriously, why am I not surprised? – 90% of US Bills Carry Traces of Cocaine

 

今日は、

日本語で打ちます。パソコンで打つだけでも、漢字の勉強と用語の勉強になることを発見！最近は、ママとスカイプで話すこととチャットを毎日するようにしてます。木曜日仕事のあと、やっと飛行機の格安チケットをゲットすることができました！二月ぐらいからずっと値段をチェックしてたのですが、四月からの割引で４００＄も安くなりました！待った甲斐があった．．．ひと安心。;-) でも学校と家とのいろいろで、ストレスは増えるばかり。先週出すはずだったエッセイは、一週間も期限を延ばしてもらったのですが結局、今週の金曜日まで始められませんでした。金曜日は、友達の誕生日パーティーをあきらめて、エッセイを書くはずが、なかなか始めらませんでした。:cry: でも昨日の夜中一時頃、やっとプレッシャーをドップリと感じ、一、二行書き始めることができました。でもまた音楽を聞いたり友達と話したりしながらギブアップ。腹が立ちながら朝まで絵を書いたり新しい音楽を探したり．．そしてやっと日の出を見て感動した後に５時間かけて、あっと言う間にエッセイが書けてしまいました。なんだか最近は、motivation （辞書：動機を与えるもの？）がなくて宿題が全然進みません。早く飛行機に乗って、家の空気を吸いたいです。家は、今自分にとってどこかは、分からない。でも、誰にとっても場所は関係なく家族といることが、体と心にとって一番の治療だと思う。
今、一番喜ばせてくれるもの、でも同じく一番腹が立つものは、昔の写真です。私の恐怖は、昔から離れず、いつも昔のことを考えてしまう習慣がついてしまうことです。なるべく悲しくなったり、落ち込んでるときには、今のことを考えて、今のことで満足しようと意識しようと頑張ってるんだけど、そうすると将来のことをばかり考えだしまい、また落ち着かなくなります。今を”今”と感じることがあまりできない？この頃は、無駄に心配ばかりしたり、また反対に楽観的に考えようとする毎日です。この文章は、訳をするのがとてもむずかしかったです。英語で言うと： I seem to be wasting my time worrying, while at the same time I am looking for comfort everyday. でもこれも本当は、楽しいのかもしれません。もし今、一人じゃなかったら、もっと怖いことかもしれない。今、人を頼りにしていたら、もっといろいろと焦ってしまうかもしれない。今、前に見えるものは、時間と自分の影。
自分のペースを見つけたい。
悩み事のあとには、明るいニュース！授業の作品は、盗まれてしまったけど一応先生は、優しく対応してくれました！再度チャンスをくれたので新しい作品を今頑張って描いています。あと、アートセラピーの授業では、『瞑想の座布団』をぬっています。夏休みの初めごろに写真を載せます。終！

PS．:( 一番認めたくないこと：iPhone　は、やっぱりスゴい！！！！！
That felt like the longest post of my entire blogging life. This is a proof that I am in fact a native Japanese! Hahahahhahaa I TRY.

 

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Not My Day

This week was ugly. 1) I almost got fired. 2) My favorite winter course is done forever, and I also found out that there is going to be no class this semester nor the summer term which James Yood will be teaching. 3) I spent over 300$ these past two days.
About 1)… I really don’t want to elaborate on what excuse I had but I was really late for a very legitimate and serious case. But this almost got me to leave with no more future income. Dangerous, way too risky for where I am right now. I cannot be like this at work just like how I am in class! Jobs don’t end by semester, this is annually and until I have a reason to end the contract. I must keep a lasting good impression. Why do I do this to myself? And yes, 2) James Yood is no longer teaching in the near future. I really do hope I will find his class for Fall 2010 but I am in doubt. He told us during his last class that he was busy writing his new book. Why won’t he just stop writing so that he can continue teaching and enjoying the fact that he’s awesome already, instead of hiding in his little cave with his hair growing on the sides of his head? (Although, that too is awesome.. but not awesome enough!) Ahhh I wish I could attend his classes again, it is so hard to find an art history class that I truly enjoy! Guilty: 3) is true. I was so stressed from almost getting fired yesterday that I went crazy money splashing all over State Street. Of course I came home feeling GOOD and exhausted. I organized my closet and felt relieved. But now, I am now unable to find relief in any sense for the next two weeks or so, I may have to starve to death temporarily, truly. Uff, why is my life so out of control right now? I know I am being dramatic but for some reason (this is not the time of the month) I am extremely sensitive and I am worried about every little thing around me. Please. Stop! Fine, I do have some good news too. It is really good. I’m content. My favorite psychology teacher will be my teacher again this spring semester. So I guess my day isn’t all too bad – I still have something to look forward to!

The stupidest PS: I bought a CD from an Amazon Seller last week and obviously was not paying any attention.. I was looking for Interstate, an electronic, lounge, house type of musician. What I received today however from this stupid Amazon Seller who is definitely not going to get a great feedback, (he has been asking me to leave feedback like 5 times already since I placed my order..) I got a crazy rock jam emo horrible drummer singer band Interstate. WRONG. WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Solitude

It’s that time of Kaori’s calendar again, where I need to be alone and neutralize myself. I hate that when I realize I am being too overwhelmed with people’s energy, it’s too late. I find myself in a ditch where I am trying to get myself back up to feel better and comfortable, but it kills me. It’s nothing anyone did to me personally, but I tend to collect a lot of negative energy of people or I also tend to collect my own, while thinking I’ve been getting away with them, and never giving myself enough time to face and solve them. It’s times like this, I need my spiritual well-being most but I lose it. I haven’t been dreaming anything substantial lately because I’ve been so spiritually numb, focusing myself more on the physical aspects of my daily routine. I did have one dream this afternoon when I took a nap which I won’t mention just yet, maybe in the future when I can appreciate it more with spiritual analysis of it. Good night for now..

 

Exhausted But Finally Settled In!

I’ve finally finished settling in. It almost feels like I just finished a 100miles marathon; this took over a week of staying up until 5am unpacking and cleaning, and multiple visits all over downtown for electrical services.. Internet is soon to be connected at my house in two weeks, but until then I will be sitting here every morning, at the lobby’s Wi-fi cafe. The community here is really amazing, I’ve met a few neighbors in the building who also have just recently moved in since this apartment’s been only open for about a month. People here are all really friendly, I love the atmosphere. I am so happy about my decision to move in here!
After going around the city again yesterday for my electrical services and updating my new billing addresses, I met up with a friend to go to Argyle where they have amazing Vietnamese Pho noodle restaurants! I was so thrilled about this because Vietnamese is my favorite food and for once I was going to have lunch out for leisure and not because I was starving and tired from all the cleaning! But this excitement didn’t last for long – after maybe about 4 stops on the train from where we got on, I started to feel strangely ill and panicky.. I felt really uncomfortable where I was standing and how people around me were standing so close to me. I think for the first time, I was feeling extremely claustrophobic. I was really ready to puke on the Cubs fan next to me. I had awful goosebumps and the next thing I knew, my knees were on the floor and my bags had all fallen on the ground. Was I falling asleep standing up?! I tried to get up, then my body weight from my knees went to my head. I was then leaning my head on the door. My whole body then fell onto the door. My vision was blurry and strange as if I were on ecstasy. I kept seeing blue haze and pixel-like colors all over the place. But clearly, the incredible high life of ecstasy was NOT THERE. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them, the lady was holding my arm pulling me to take her seat. She honestly saved my life, I had never felt so relieved! Even after sitting though, I couldn’t stop staring the ceiling and rolling my eyes back. I was shivering and freeeezing in my cold sweat. This was such an awful experience in such a tiny space. Energy around me was definitely overwhelming me for some reason, but I was probably just exhausted. I was already feeling really eerie and gross from when I first got on the train. This guy standing in front of me had an odd, possessive energy. I also noticed he kept glaring at me. I’m glad I didn’t puke, because then the Vietnamese food would have failed on me that afternoon. Despite this strange fainting experience, my Pho noodle was good as always. It made my day!
Aside from this crazy train ride, there’s been good news since moving into my new place!!!!!! My soul sister, Vin is coming to visit me here on the 20th of this month! I can’t wait…. It’s unbelievable, I’ve been counting down the days. She is also heading to San Francisco in 4 days. Just FOUR MORE DAYS! Wow this world is going crazy with way too much excitement, I can’t absorb all these amazing things all at once but I must and I want to and not only do I have to but I don’t know how to! But I need to absorb these as soon as I can or else I’ll miss the best part of all! – LIVING IT.