4 more days to be exact, until I head back for Chicago… This summer went by extremely quickly, I must say. And I don’t think I am aware enough of the fact that I am leaving this house away from parental guidance and will be moving into my apartment, dealing with all that junk in less than a week time by myself. It has to hit me now, hit me! It really feels as if I am just hearing words that make sense grammatically but I’m not really paying attention to the content. The entire summer was just all about feeling exhausted of having to deal with not being on my own and not being able to do what I usually do when I’m back in Chicago. I was also feeling homesick of Chicago and missing friends from school. But now that I am actually heading back, I am going to miss my mom’s food and just hanging around with her silly aging and going around places. But really, despite everything, what I am going through emotionally is difficult to express in words and I don’t expect anyone to understand it. I love my family and I love the Philippines. I know I won’t be back here in a few years – of course this makes me upset and want to spend time more wisely in this unique place. Philippines is so strangely horrible in many ways that make it awesome. I don’t even know, but coming home feels uncomfortable for me right now. I feel that I am not ready to come home yet, and I shouldn’t be coming home at all. I feel stupid and weak that I come home so often. I came home last Christmas break, and now this summer. I shouldn’t be so attached to home even though this is where I started, where I grew and what I will be making of my own. This is heartbreaking, but I am even more afraid of myself in the future if I am this attached to my family. Things change, things move on, no matter how much people don’t notice this subtle evolution. If I don’t keep up with who I really am on my own and find my own path on my own, I will eventually lose track. I also feel that seeing my family- my home where I started, before even seeing where I can reach and settle my goal, will slow down my progress towards my passion. I don’t need to take breaks this often. After this summer, I really hope I will find myself and know more about myself. My family back home told me I was rather independent for an only child and they are somewhat relieved to see that I know what I am doing. People really get deceived easily by what they see. I am not independent, I am not on my own at all. I still rely and don’t know enough to live. I lack experience and what I need is a strong focus on my path. This, I cannot find until I find myself in the path. If I keep stopping and taking break from this focus, I will forget the strength of passion I have. Time is not only slow, it changes. Before anything in my mind changes, I want to finish what I started off with such strong love. Love shouldn’t be wasted. I don’t even know what it is I truly love about art. But I enjoy doing it and learning it, and becoming a part of it. It’s my passion and it’s been with me since birth. It’s what I’ve always loved, what’s always been constant in my life that questions me, that proves me wrong that time is not always about change. It is one different factor in my life that doesn’t prove that Time exists. Time is my most fearful factor, and Art defeats the function of time and evolution in my life.
I can’t keep stopping.
PS. The last thing I want to see before I head back to focus, is a beautiful Manila Sunset, and a Sunrise with my soul sister listening to Tiesto’s new In Search of Sunrise Album. I recommend it to the world of all dimensions. Lie down, tune up on your Bose speakers, and let go off your body.
Filed under: Philippines, Self Exploration, Uncategorized
Kaori Ikeda
