KAORI'S SPOON

Today was already the last day my soul sister (an interconnected soul), Malvina and I got to meet and discuss our thoughts together, before we both depart towards the path of our dreams. After a loooong night of reminiscing, analyzing, sharing dreams, being kookoo, and ‘forgetting’, we realized we had only a couple of hours left of our time…. We held hands in silence and closed our eyes listening to our new favorite song, Time Stops by Explosions in the Sky.
I felt a sudden rush on my spine with a warm pressure. We were zen, a perfect dream state. Our energy became 1, our souls uniting in their dimension of birth. It was love, passion and strength of constructive ‘fear’ – which in our definition, is an essence of the anonymous presence that keeps our curiosity driven; a motivation. The state was timeless and emotionless. Everything physical was still, while the energy did the job it needed to before we both departed for our dreams. Dreams that will soon evolve into 1. Our job is to reach our souls together into 1. To return our souls back into where they have began, their dimension of birth.
2 hours had past. But my watch had died during this moment of zen, as if time really had stopped. This whole event felt as if our bodies were left behind with our eyes gently closed, while our souls went to play in their own dimension of birth, reuniting and preparing each other for more adventures to come. The sisters timelessly appreciating the past and anticipating for more, and not understanding the present, for time does not exist in their dimension. Our body laying, hands connecting the two interconnected sister souls. Love rush and a dream rush, the passion flowing around our energy fields. When we opened our eyes, I felt a new excitement, life always feels so good. This is not only a perception, it is truly by simply finding the way to live it most sincerely, following the paths of what is most necessary, and knowing what love can stir in this dimension. Also, knowing what passion care stir our bodies into, unto other dimensions, opening up our spiritual abilities and connections…

4 more days to be exact, until I head back for Chicago… This summer went by extremely quickly, I must say. And I don’t think I am aware enough of the fact that I am leaving this house away from parental guidance and will be moving into my apartment, dealing with all that junk in less than a week time by myself. It has to hit me now, hit me! It really feels as if I am just hearing words that make sense grammatically but I’m not really paying attention to the content. The entire summer was just all about feeling exhausted of having to deal with not being on my own and not being able to do what I usually do when I’m back in Chicago. I was also feeling homesick of Chicago and missing friends from school. But now that I am actually heading back, I am going to miss my mom’s food and just hanging around with her silly aging and going around places. But really, despite everything, what I am going through emotionally is difficult to express in words and I don’t expect anyone to understand it. I love my family and I love the Philippines. I know I won’t be back here in a few years – of course this makes me upset and want to spend time more wisely in this unique place. Philippines is so strangely horrible in many ways that make it awesome. I don’t even know, but coming home feels uncomfortable for me right now. I feel that I am not ready to come home yet, and I shouldn’t be coming home at all. I feel stupid and weak that I come home so often. I came home last Christmas break, and now this summer. I shouldn’t be so attached to home even though this is where I started, where I grew and what I will be making of my own. This is heartbreaking, but I am even more afraid of myself in the future if I am this attached to my family. Things change, things move on, no matter how much people don’t notice this subtle evolution. If I don’t keep up with who I really am on my own and find my own path on my own, I will eventually lose track. I also feel that seeing my family- my home where I started, before even seeing where I can reach and settle my goal, will slow down my progress towards my passion. I don’t need to take breaks this often. After this summer, I really hope I will find myself and know more about myself. My family back home told me I was rather independent for an only child and they are somewhat relieved to see that I know what I am doing. People really get deceived easily by what they see. I am not independent, I am not on my own at all. I still rely and don’t know enough to live. I lack experience and what I need is a strong focus on my path. This, I cannot find until I find myself in the path. If I keep stopping and taking break from this focus, I will forget the strength of passion I have. Time is not only slow, it changes. Before anything in my mind changes, I want to finish what I started off with such strong love. Love shouldn’t be wasted. I don’t even know what it is I truly love about art. But I enjoy doing it and learning it, and becoming a part of it. It’s my passion and it’s been with me since birth. It’s what I’ve always loved, what’s always been constant in my life that questions me, that proves me wrong that time is not always about change. It is one different factor in my life that doesn’t prove that Time exists. Time is my most fearful factor, and Art defeats the function of time and evolution in my life.
I can’t keep stopping.
PS. The last thing I want to see before I head back to focus, is a beautiful Manila Sunset, and a Sunrise with my soul sister listening to Tiesto’s new In Search of Sunrise Album. I recommend it to the world of all dimensions. Lie down, tune up on your Bose speakers, and let go off your body.

Happiness subconsciously subsides
Left with all i’ve got
My soul and my body
My spirit resting by the shore
Emotion is now absent
Numbness replacing
Reminiscence
Nostalgia
Sensitivity is slowing rising back
I’m still dazing, it paralyzes me
It’s a dreamer sensation
Sensing the numb.
My soul leads me and pulls me forward
Experiences control my soul
My body can only express its results,
Because progress is an invisible, magical occurrence.
I sit and stare

Objects stare back at me
Observing my existence
360 i turn around
I sit back down and sense all the presence
The energy is constant and strong.
I scrutinize the color in the dark
I close my eyes
The air entering my lungs sends me
The energy of so many
It helps me unlock my perspective
Then i open my eyes
Visualizing the royal blue with hints of gold and pink
Some parts forest green, and a little bit of brown
Under the silhouettes
The sky is made of too much colors.
A realization pulled me out
From the hours
Of numbness
The world is psycho
Too psycho to close my eyes
And sense its purpose
Risk, poison
It’s the unpredictability
That keeps us going
Seeking for more… and more
Change, threat, and fear.
Yet humans seek for happiness in life
when do we ever appreciate the bravery?

I just realized why I’ve never been homesick and why I’d already gotten so sick of being home the 3rd day I got back. Of course, the first few days were nice being able to feel like a spoiled brat again and not having to deal with school. But home only reminds me of how sickening this world really is. Especially where I grew up, in the Philippines. I love this place for supporting me into becoming who I am and all the great memories that it gave me since the day I moved here where I was welcomed with possibly one of the worst years of my life. As young age, adults would think normally think, that adjusting cultures and learning wouldn’t be as hard – but I still do remember all the emotions and loneliness I had when I’d first been told that the Vacation to the Philippines was actually a permanent move away from my relatives and friends back in Japan. Despite everything, I’ve grown to love the people in the Philippines and met people who have made huge impacts on my life. But, things really aren’t all about the fun and pleasure. I’d completely forgotten I come from a close minded 3rd world country where people only really care about the money and corruption deep inside, the status and the properties. Most of the time carried away by what others care about, what others think. Luckily I wasn’t swayed into that.
How could I ever forget, how lucky I was at that point, and how much luckier I am now to have been able to see that I’ve sailed away from society, to see my own dream.

I spent most of my high school years having the time of my life fooling around and barely doing anything productive. The present was all I saw, and all I cared about. I wasn’t trying to be, but I was very oblivious to searching my own identity. I’d blame 30% of its cause to the awful regulations at my high school treating us like little baby bunnies, and also to how unexciting the society is. It really narrows down on the adventurous part of life when you’re around a group of people that think they succeeded in life simply because they’ve earned their luxury with the money. Right before getting brainwashed into thinking that way, energy attracted to me of how much I missed my childhood. I hated thinking about my childhood, but I couldn’t help thinking about it. I hated that I couldn’t go back to it, and I hated that I felt like a completely different person compared to when I didn’t used to focus on what I didn’t like about myself and what I couldn’t do. But I tried to remember what had been constant since childhood until high school, and there it was- art. I liked communicating with myself on paper and getting into my own imagination. I used to write a lot of storybooks that didn’t really have a storyline but was just really fun to draw anyway; I used to love coloring and talking while writing those stories. I had many kingdom stories where the king gets in trouble by eating too much or causing too much tantrums in the castle. Towards the end of elementary school, I remember writing about tree houses and imaginary kingdoms my characters create in the story in playgrounds and such. I realized, art isn’t just thinking but it’s a desire to get out into space. It is the most exhilarating technique into feeling the gist of freedom and individuality.
This realization got me into signing up for a summer program at Parsons for a month of painting. I hated painting at that time but this program had changed my life. It opened up my eyes and thoughts to see that there is no good or bad and art isn’t only judging for what it looks like. It is the message, the essence of the art’s existence in a space that influences the energy of the viewers. I fell in love. From there on, high school was no longer my play pen but it was where I got all my arts done for my college application and soon I was heading out to Chicago – A dream that quickly stirred up into reality just waiting to come out into the present, for the long months of my senior year…
Confidence for art never had failed me before. I’ve always thought, that as long as Art and I walk along together in life, I will be content. Passion is all I need in life to be content. The Fate is there. But this positivity did not last for long. This summer, unexpectedly, I began to realize how much I truly am actually afraid and absolutely fearful of where I am heading. I don’t know where this is taking me. I want to be able to see what I am doing all this for with my passion. I thought about transferring schools to back in Japan where I’m supposed to have grown up with its culture, and learn in where I belong, and learn what is actually a path to career.
I had this one particular friend in high school; he wasn’t necessarily my closest, but we did share a lot of time together. He was a scared, lonely guy that I used to discuss with about life and walking forward. I enjoyed giving him advices in helping him to gain a better perspective for himself because I believed that he had a great potential. He had enough inside of him to be confident of but which he was hiding; instead he was boasting of what was not himself. He and I went through thick and thin, the building up and getting out into the next step. But tonight, he shocked me with his words. He first told me all of his stories that he’d shared with me were lies. And currently, my mission is to learn to forgive, and so this was a big step for me. But forgiving rarely ever does bring me back any good. Because the next words he said consisted of insulting my thoughts on attraction, interconnection and thinking about our souls. Fate does not exist and it is only what we do that makes us successful. He insisted that although he may have not been the strongest, he is still happy because he earns grades for what he learns and what he learns will get him a job in the future. He added that whatever I think, will not affect what the world will do for me because what I am doing right now is paying money to do what I like when I can do it on my own, and making worthless shit. I asked him if he honestly thought art was worthless- he eventually told me after many ramblings that he didn’t really want to say, but felt more comfortable saying it now that he’s opened up about everything – art is worthless.
One silly guy couldn’t have broken my dream. But he might possibly have. Why am I so fearful? Why am I so doubtful right now? I don’t know what to believe in. I’m not insulted because he doesn’t believe in energy. Perspectives can be different, and I have my own. But my perspective is slowly fading away, and I want to start over from scratch. I am lost in this tropical island. Time is ticking faster than usual, rushing me into something I don’t know.
I am sitting here with my laptop not knowing what to do, fearful than ever. What am I do to with Art? I know what career I’ve always dreamed of. But who really cares about art besides the artists? His words are stuck inside and I can’t let go. I’ve never dwelled so much on something that got in my way of my passion and that freaks me out more.
There is one thought, a very small thought however, that keeps me to feel safe. And that one small thought, could be a new field for my soul. But that one thought is still very small. It can only grow, when I am back in Chicago. There is another thought that could make me feel safe but also disgraceful; put art aside.

I turned 19 on June 26, and had one of the most bizarre yet the greatest nights. I spent it with my family (who aren’t usually the people that make me happiest….), and I am surprised to even say that I had an amazing time! It had been too long that I hadn’t felt comfortable in Japan, being Japanese. This night made me realize all I needed was to learn to adjust more smoothly and accept wholly. What I also realized is that I don’t think I’m the only one going through this strange awkwardness and tension with my own family and hometown. I can happily accept and learn new cultures and adapt rather easily however, it’s only my own that I tend to have difficulties in accepting. This night on my birthday, I met a lady who also grew up as a Third Culture Kid and I had never felt so comfortable just discussing about innate and influenced characteristics. This birthday night, my two aunts, my uncle, mom and I went to a small local pub by my aunt’s house after having a few drinks and dinner at another fine dining. At this pub, we met these two random young Japanese guys who were pretty drunk off their asses. But by this point, so were my family. I don’t exactly get at my craziest from beer so I was still very sober, watching these people around me act extremely embarrassingly. First of all, my aunt started introducing her sister (my mom) and her daughter (me) who live in the Philippines. She went on about my cultural background which made completely no sense in conclusion. But of course, most intoxicated conversations never have a full conclusion by the time the story telling is done! So these two guys noticing my rather higher tolerance compared to my family, treated me my very first Japanese Sake! This was pretty damn good and that started the brilliance of the night. My mother was even more drunk by the time I was getting my kookoo on. My mom then handed the guys her name card and told them to visit the Philippines because she loves having guests over and bringing them around the crazy Manila city! Which is a complete lie when she’s sober. This strange “best friend exchange” went on and on for the rest of the night. Around 3 AM, I was quite kookoo and talkative with the Third Culture Lady I previously mentioned about, about her life in Portugal where she grew up. These were really good chats, until my drunk auntie decided to invite all of these people over to her house! My mom was ready to pass the fuck out but couldn’t because she had to take care of my other auntie who was almost falling over. This pub was only 2-3 blocks away from my auntie’s house however, we ended up taking a cab! Don’t know why, don’t know How we even called it but, we managed. This group of BFFs ended at 6 in the morning, with the bartender from the pub driving home drunk. Happy birthday to me!