It’s Summer Time!

I am sitting in my bedroom; staring at walls and details that I never really used to focus on. My heart is pumping with this strange emotion, and I am trying my best to put it into words. The walls are still white with some dusted areas and paint bumps. My best painting of my senior year is still sitting calmly against my big window next to my desk, my desk where I used to study my Japanese when I was still an obedient 5th grader, my desk that I got for my 10th birthday. It used to be treated like crystal, but eventually became what should belong to an art kid like me. It’s got scratches and ballpen doodles all over it that used to hide under my notebooks, which are now neatly organized in my bookshelves and closets. It sits just the way my mom had always wanted me to keep my desk as, neat and tidy. I am appreciating my desk chair a lot more than I used to. It’s comfortable and a little adorable too. I had my high school paintings all stacked up against the wall by the entrance of my room but I decided they should be exhibited and remembered like all artworks should be. I spent my first day back at home, reorganizing my reminisced objects, trying to stir up the old energy that I used to carry with me.
The thoughts and memories of a few days ago is making today look extremely surreal. This is worse than a dream, I feel like I am flying and there is this odd feeling that is telling me that I am taking way too long in understanding this moment. Which I am. It’s definitely confusing and a little mysteriously scary.
I am trying my hardest to make the most of these mundane minutes of today, by emotionally accepting everything about everything, and emotionally accepting my current emotions as well. This again, is quite hard because the emotion I am trying to accept is the emotion of not being able to understand my own current emotion. My mother hasn’t changed, as if only yesterday, I’d graduated and got home from Prom night. The funny thing is, the whole day even feels as if I’d just got done with high school; as if not a year has passed since graduation. It feels as if I am in my own world where I am only aware that a year has past where so much has happened, enough that I am now in belief of a new form of energy and dreams. I am able to notice my own change in my bedroom.
And of course, while this huge transition in my life is occuring, I am traveling out to Singapore and watch my spiritually related sister, Malvina’s transition. This should be interesting.

Right now, I feel like a paranoid child. I am, after all, just a first year college student coming home for the summer to relax, getting done with being a freshman all over again. I should be happy about this, because I am a big hypocrite and despise freshmen in general.