KAORI'S SPOON

I was under hibernation for about a week and I was able to detox everything from the year worth of abusive amounts of alcohol, mystical herbs, overly analyzed spiritual thoughts and even my sleep! I would sleep at around 8 or 9pm, then wake up the next morning at 5! But this of course didn’t last too long because a week after this hibernation, I went to say hello to Vin and her rooftop. As always Vin, the sky and I conversed with the universe while the world was sound asleep and the energy traveled calmly.



While organizing these photos, it really hit me how much has happened over the year, and that I have changed, evidently – and last but not least, I love it! The worry, the surreal and unpredictable reality, the dreams, intangible present – this is what it feels like to be so content with everything. Everything is intangible, with no solid existence; but so sheer, they reveal so much significance when carefully scrutinizing into their details and purpose. The world looks so dreamy, so soft and beautifully ambiguous. I am flying in the space of nowhere, it feels so good. I realized, by worrying about the present and being so indefinite, I am wasting time. By worrying of feeling unable to appreciate the seconds, I am unappreciative. By living the present as it goes, I am living it the way I should and will pick up what is necessary in my lifeline.

I used yearn for a lifestyle that is least dependent on society, living a life as one and only – without a single external influence on my perception. I realized that this was incorrect and an impossible reality in this dimension – a world that evolves around Time. I could live my life in a society; I must hold a strong sense of individuality by learning from society. The body can only exist in this world with the innate, instinctive behavior of searching for a union. But what makes each and everyone of us makes us all individuals is that inside these body coats, we have our own subconscious mindsets. It knows us best, more than anything – the truth of our perception. Our body simply obeys the messages of our subconscious. More often than not, we don’t listen to our subconscious. We prefer the freedom and would much rather stay in denial, while enjoying what we believe is good for us. Somehow, we find ourselves no longer trusting in our own hearts, but depending more on morality and society judgments. However, this state of our consciousness is least evident for us to quickly acknowledge its process. Denials sneak up on us, until one day, our conscious gradually starts getting tired of hiding all the suppression. And when it does, we finally start hearing the messages from our subconscious that we have been hearing all along! We just never listened.
The strength of subconscious expressions stay constant – what isn’t constant though, is our conscious willingness. The less our conscious is affected by society and external influences, the more it is able to recognize the self. Our tendency to depending on the spoon feeding and easy escapes, spur us into the pool of greed and selfishness. Even though we earn what we want and find pleasure by greed, we willl never find contentment. This is simply because our subconscious yearns for what is temporary to us (contentment), rather than the pleasure (happiness). We always prefer to listen to advice, rather than trusting in our inner abilities of force that can attract to us of true contentment. This is because by taking an advice, we are less likely to make a mistake that we will later regret. Listening to our instincts can take a longer process in searching for the right answer – this patience can bring us the right answer above all ‘correct’ answers that we can find outside of our mind.

You are your own evolution.
You have the ability to imagine and build your own vision and perspective, cherish them and appreciate them. Because without them, you would be flat as a cement wall and dry as a 90yrold skin.

The original plan was that we leave Singapore on the 20th which is.. yesterday, but because of too much fun we’ve been having the past few days, it was really too obviously necessary that we extend. It is so hard for me to truly live each day as if it is the last even if I try as much as I can simply because there is too much happiness and freedom involved to love, that I feel somewhat ungrounded. There is no gravity to pull me back down to reality and slap my face a reality check. This summer break so far is really making me swoooooon. This was mentioned in my previous post, but my disoriented mind is not able to understand and live the current reality as it is; it’s been too surreal.. like watching a pig fly. I haven’t been able to appreciate what I want to appreciate because of this worry of not being able to do so! I live an irony right now and it’s driving me crazy but I am trying my best to keep this strange feeling on the lowest, and possibly forget. For now; and just live these great moments as it is. The days are just extraordinarily blissful that I can already feel each second evaporating into memory… I’ve been meeting a whole bunch of people, eating scrumptious seafood and learning Singaporean slangs.
From the very beginning of my Singapore trip has been oddly cute and funny and exciting. Right when I walked out of the Arrival gate in the Singaporean airport, I was instantly greeted by a random Singaporean boy who I could not help but give my ultimate clueless almost bitchy face with a not so nice “Hi? (Where the hell have I landed myself into?!)” Then noticed a familiar wave of hair crouching right behind the boy (this boy, who was later introduced to, as one of Malvina’s classmates, Kevin). That was when I went crazy and realized Malvina and I realistically, are, actually reuniting! The dream in my heart felt big and alive. The first night in Singapore, Malvina and her friends brought me out to Clark Quay where the clubs and bars are at. Malvina’s friends are simply amazing! They are such fun and loving people. I’m feeling the greatness of cultures and the vast space of this world. Just coming home from Chicago where I just recently adjusted over the year, and right away seeing all these new culture of Singapore in contrast to Chicago’s.. It really is beautiful meeting variety of what this world actually has! I am surely going to miss them So much when I leave.

Here’s a story that I must mention for my own good because I had the best trip of my life last night, love flipping. It was Malvina’s first, and I should say this now that it will be her best in a long time until she luckily finds another of these rare, intense hallucinogens. We took it at her house, initially planning on going out with it but as soon as we realized these tabs’ intensity and purity in them, we were too kookoo and out of our fucking minds to even go out or think of making plans. I began conversing with Malvina’s furniture and playing Hide-and-Seek with her hats and closets. However, the hats that were hanging by the closet in Malvina’s bedroom did not want to play by the rules and even after a several warnings I’d given them, they still did not stop peeking and cheating in the game. I don’t really know how they could possibly cheat in hide and seek when they are the ones hiding, but at the time, I felt as though the hats were not playing fairly. So I gave them a time out by dumping them in the closet (which Malvina questioned about the next morning..) I then began babysitting Malvina’s pillow, one which I picked out favorably, out of the 5. I remember the lullaby I was singing to the bedroom, but quickly zoned out of the whole romantic scene and ran out to the balcony where Malvina and her friend Aaron were chilling and told myself to stop acting crazy. But I couldn’t stop! I kept talking to her tv, her lights, and marathon boys that were running away from me on the streets. Lastly, some pink elephants saying good bye to me towards the end of the trip.
Dancing, stripping at Alex’s birthday party, eating like pigs all day everyday, shopping for hours.. Singapore, I might have fallen in love so instantly. The present has never felt so satisfying. This is such a unique present, I don’t know how to respond to the world! I LOVE YOU! and I LOVE YOU MALVINA WONG! (more…)

This is another old dream that was logged back in April, 24 2008. The dream was set at a very modern designed mechanics store, built with mirroring and white walls. It was my mother and my first day back home in Japan. We walked into an oddly shaped, circular mall where I decided to take off my green and white flip flops (I was wearing an odd pair). My mom and I seperated our ways to window shop around this odd mall. I can recall having a fantastic time though, just like I would at Ikea stores in my waking life. When I was done looking around, I found myself locked in inside a house of illusion where the mirrors kept leading me back to the main entrance where I entered from, or leading me to the backdoor of the store in a dark alley. I couldn’t find the exit nor my mother! I ran around in panic then found a path to a train station which felt extremely nerve-wrecking and eerie. At the train stop, I found my mother aggravated on how much time I took window shopping. I tried to explain to her the exit was gone but she insisted I was being rude to my aunt who was waiting for us. She also did not stop complaining and asking me why I took such a long time to meet her at the train stop. I got sick and tired of repeating myself so I yelled back at her and asked why she wouldn’t stop asking the same question over and over again. I then elongate my story by also adding the fact that I lost my flip flops which I took off before going into the store. My mother then blames me for being stupid enough to wearing odd pair.
My mother and I were at my aunt’s house in the next scene which was located under a skyline that reminded me so much of the Philippines. The house was very traditional and historically designed. We sat by the balcony on the 2nd floor with my cousins. I felt extremely shy and introverted. When the clock ticked 8pm, my mother and auntie realized we were late for a dinner. The scene swaps again: we are quickly set at my aunts house which reminds me of the sky in the philippines.. The house was a very old fashioned Japanese house. We were by the balcony on the 2nd floor meeting my cousins and I was very shy. My cousins were behaving disturbingly and it scared me. The next scene, I am set at a new perspective angle where I am viewing this event occur from the sky.
I snapped out of the dream when my friend woke me up. I thought I had woken up in the midst of night but it was actually only a 15minute or so worth of napping. I also woke up with a feeling of guilt and hate; I hated my childhood even though most of the waking time, I love it. I regretted how ungrateful I have been the past years on how I was so lucky back then when our families and relatives would all get together and hang out. I woke up feeling extremely guilty and homesick of this beautiful family. But in my waking life, I am not at all close to my relatives. It’s really strange how much a dream can affect my emotions so deeply…

This dream was originally logged on April 27 2008 but because I still ponder about this odd, obscure dream, I thought I’d keep a record of it here on Spoon as well. The dream starts with myself staring at a tv screen, where I saw a crocodile rage in anger out of a puddle and ran towards the camera with the freakiest face I’ve ever seen on an animal – well, it’s a crocodile to begin with so it was already terrifying enough. In this dream, an unknown man was telling me a story about his experiences in a village, kind of like how Forest Gump starts talking about his life at a bus stop to strangers, at the beginning of the movie. As this man was explaining his stories, I was visualizing his experiences as if I were there watching it all happen. The man has called over several cheetahs to come close to him which terrified me as I visualized this strange experience, he then made them calmly walk away. In another location, he has walked further in to the woods or some strange area of land, to see a camel/donkey mixed up animal, and a cheetah/cat. As I visualize his stories, I soon found myself joining in these past adventures that he was telling me about. I remember seeing more odd looking animals around him but can’t recall what they looked like anymore – they were extremely strange. The scene switched back to the time when this man called over the cheetahs. After he made them walk away, this man walked farther away from me, deeper into the village. As he walked away, I saw a group of bees flying towards me. I don’t know if he saw this happen, but I think these bees also stuck onto him but again, I’m not able to clearly recall this scene because I was in so much fear, I thought I was going to die in a dream. This was when the dream got more lucid, but it was still strictly locked that I could not let myself out of the situation. Soon I was staring at a black space, but this dream still did not allow me to shake up in reality.
The next scene was set in a hotel room with another unknown man. He was either serving or just hanging out with me. It could have been a dormitory, and he was a roommate. I remember seeing a big square room with a television, and the people I surprisingly knew so well in the dream, I don’t know in waking reality. I then walked into a restaurant where I saw Vin. We were hanging out as usual, until a celebrity walked in. I don’t know who it was but Vin pulled my hand to chase after him. The celebrity went back outside and started performing on the street with a small box in front of him. Inside the box were nickels and quarters from the viewers. I also remember seeing a balloon during his performance with his face being projected on it….. He started rapping to a broken microphone so nobody was able to hear him. I giggled a little bit then he glared at me as if my giggle had echoed all over that atmosphere.
Also, while the first scene was set at daylight, this second one was at night.

I am sitting in my bedroom; staring at walls and details that I never really used to focus on. My heart is pumping with this strange emotion, and I am trying my best to put it into words. The walls are still white with some dusted areas and paint bumps. My best painting of my senior year is still sitting calmly against my big window next to my desk, my desk where I used to study my Japanese when I was still an obedient 5th grader, my desk that I got for my 10th birthday. It used to be treated like crystal, but eventually became what should belong to an art kid like me. It’s got scratches and ballpen doodles all over it that used to hide under my notebooks, which are now neatly organized in my bookshelves and closets. It sits just the way my mom had always wanted me to keep my desk as, neat and tidy. I am appreciating my desk chair a lot more than I used to. It’s comfortable and a little adorable too. I had my high school paintings all stacked up against the wall by the entrance of my room but I decided they should be exhibited and remembered like all artworks should be. I spent my first day back at home, reorganizing my reminisced objects, trying to stir up the old energy that I used to carry with me.
The thoughts and memories of a few days ago is making today look extremely surreal. This is worse than a dream, I feel like I am flying and there is this odd feeling that is telling me that I am taking way too long in understanding this moment. Which I am. It’s definitely confusing and a little mysteriously scary.
I am trying my hardest to make the most of these mundane minutes of today, by emotionally accepting everything about everything, and emotionally accepting my current emotions as well. This again, is quite hard because the emotion I am trying to accept is the emotion of not being able to understand my own current emotion. My mother hasn’t changed, as if only yesterday, I’d graduated and got home from Prom night. The funny thing is, the whole day even feels as if I’d just got done with high school; as if not a year has passed since graduation. It feels as if I am in my own world where I am only aware that a year has past where so much has happened, enough that I am now in belief of a new form of energy and dreams. I am able to notice my own change in my bedroom.
And of course, while this huge transition in my life is occuring, I am traveling out to Singapore and watch my spiritually related sister, Malvina’s transition. This should be interesting.

Right now, I feel like a paranoid child. I am, after all, just a first year college student coming home for the summer to relax, getting done with being a freshman all over again. I should be happy about this, because I am a big hypocrite and despise freshmen in general.